Wednesday, July 13, 2005

012: RANT - MONOTONE MATT

I just got told that we're moving desks.

This sucks arse. And not even in the good way!!!

I love my desk, I have all my various photos and toys, plus my Angel action figure standing proudly with his sword, ready to defend my desk from the bastards that re-arrange everything.
(Hmmm....that's kind of a gay metaphor)

Plus I've staked out a really great spot by the window where my tiny cactus, Bernard, thrives with all the natural sunlight. What will he do now? Is my plant expected to grow to some sort of gargantuan phallic shape with the aid of recycled air and floursecent lights??

But I digress...

Let me tell you bout a fella by the name of Monotone Matt.

Ever work with someone who is so downright depressing, so mind numbingly boring, that it becomes difficult to resist the urge to slash your wrists with a butter knife and slowly make your way to the men's room so that you can quietly die in a pool of your own blood??

Yeah?

Well that's this dude. Oh if I ever find out where he lives, there'll be trouble.

Mind you, we only ever speak to this guy on the phone - he's one of the consultants we have to deal with at work. Every one here in my office dreads the day we get Monotone Matt on the other end of the line.

He speaks like he has one foot in the grave. Like he's lost the will to live. He never does what we ask (sometimes the exact opposite) and regularly wastes my time.

I mean, why not just kill yourself already?

Every time I hear his voice, I paint a picture in my head of what he would look like. Tall and wakward. Acne ridden and wearing cords. Then I visualise myself slowly cutting out his lower intestines with sewing scissors (I have anger management issues, I know, I know...)

Oh merciful God, I had no idea that I was capable of loathing one person so much.

I'm sorry, I'm just too angry for this right now.

the end.

PS: I invite you all to enjoy this photo of me sitting on top of a dumpster, courtesy of Lincoln.

4 Comments:

Blogger izchan said...

thats you?

I think I see a star being born.

and good luck with monotone matt ... yes I have one here in the office too.

did you say slowly incision to their lower intestine with a scisors? I will have not note that down.

6:13 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

That photo doesn't do you justice - you know you're hotter than that! Oh wait, I confused you with the Angel on your desk. :)
And Monotone Matt - grrrrrrrr the more monotone he is the chirpier I am!

9:00 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

I thought me sitting atop a dumpster was somehow appropriate for the tone of my blog.

Pretty much day after day expressing my disgust at the little things in life.

And yes, bleeding from an open wound to the stomach is the slowest way to die because you very slowly bleed to death. It can take hours.

ughgughghghugughghgughghhhhh!!!!

I'm wet with antici-pation!

11:14 AM  
Blogger izchan said...

slow incisions are very good ...

the pain dulls away the monotoneus effects.

I will highly prescribe it to nagging idiots and people that have no business talking.

5:49 PM  

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