Thursday, September 15, 2005

037: FEAR OF IKEA

Don't laugh - but I think I've developed a new fear.

As many of you would know from your dealings with me in the real world, I am a man who lives in fear of many things.

I have no 'conventional' fears, like heights or spiders. These things have never really bothered me. I've always been scared by things that most people consider mundane.

My top fears are (in this order)

- Clowns
- Starfish
- Toucans
- Kevin Bacon

I think this past weekend I've uncovered a new one. In search of a new shelf for my room, I bravely ventured out to Ikea. This was of course following the 'unpleasantness' with that awful lady at Fantastic Furniture.

Anyway, I had never been there alone. I had usually been there with someone who would protect me, and who genuinely enjoyed looking at low quality Swedish furniture (missed you Mister Anderson). This time I was alone. Adrift in a sea of lampshades and poorly constructed cd racks. Plastic bedside tables that look like they belong on the set of Playschool, coupled with oddly shaped shelves with stupid Swedish names like 'Gunter' and 'Billy'.

After getting lost in the showroom (it was all so confusing), I decided that I wanted to buy a lamp for my room. My earlier attempts had been thwarted expertly, but that's another story. I finally arrive at the lighting section where I am confronted with approximately 14 billion different kinds of lamps. Small lamps, big lamps, wall mounted lamps. Some stupid fucked up lamp that was made out of coasters.

See, I have a problem with choice. I'm not by any means indecisive, but I'm often paralysed when too many choices are put before me. Sorta like going to Baskin & Robins. It takes me 20 minutes to decide what ice cream I want. Then I leave, filled with regret, thinking I should have gotten the butter pecan, rather than the choc orange which tastes as bitter as ashes.

It's only the little things that I react this way to. Big decisions in life - money, relationships, career - I'm okay with. I rule with an iron fist and set out determined on a mission.

So here I am, this meagre little man in a leather jacket feeling dwarfed by the complexity of Ikea and the agonising amount of choices available to me. Just what kind of lamp do I see myself with??

Suddenly I start hyperventilating. Feeling disoriented and alone. I cant be in this place. Alone with this multitude of lamps!!! Agh!! AND I got lost in the showroom. And I mean lost for like 40 minutes!! Not a soul would help me!

So yeah, I think I've developed a new fear. Don’t get me wrong.

I like Ikea, I just don’t think I can be there alone again.








the end.

5 Comments:

Blogger izchan said...

The first time that I steped into ikea ... I was lost too.

but then I realize the floor had little red arrows that i can follow, so that is what I did.

Even today, I do the same thing.

don't you worry about it, your not the only who is afraid of those swedish furniture.

6:54 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

I dont like to shop alone for furniture and Hey Kevin bacon was cool as a dog lol

6:57 PM  
Blogger Lincoln Mua'dib said...

How sad . . . you've slept in an Ikea bed and not known it . . .

When Jim comes over my place he sleeps in my bed oftentimes (I sleep elsewhere, he'd not be safe otherwise) and only on Friday did I tell him it was an IKEA BED!!!! Muahahahaha!

Lucky I didn't tell him I keep a clown costume in the wardrobe or a starfish collection under the mattress . . . !

8:07 AM  
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10:25 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Wow I think I just got spammed!
How great!!

I now feel like a fully fledged member of the online community!!

Damn you Lincoln and your starfish collection. We'll see who gives you DVDs now!!!

And I've been afraid of Kevin Bacon ever since River Wild!

1:18 PM  

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