Wednesday, March 08, 2006

083: EVERYTHING I'M NOT
"Sometimes it's easier to believe the lieā€¦"
- Dana Scully
Today at work I got to thinking about the nature of my individuality.
I know it's a fairly big subject to tackle, but I've begun to wonder if there are as many pitfalls to being unique as there are advantages.
It all started at my soul draining job today, looking at the people around me. Seemingly happy, normal and (sometimes) well dressed. They're all dressed for success and walking with obvious purpose.
Me, well I dress differently. I have this stupid haircut going on, yet I'm sometimes painfully intelligent. I rarely walk with purpose. I've been told that I often walk like the T100 (from Terminator 2). Most days though, I opt for my distinctive shuffle.
I've been defiantly different my whole life, but there have been many moments where I would have given anything to be one of the crowd. To talk, dress and act like them. To be socially acceptable, and to do the things they do.
Meanwhile I've managed to make my own way, a parallel path. Leading a motley crew, and sticking to my own morals, I've always strived to be an individual. To rile against the establishment. It's been a fight that's not been without it's casualties. But most importantly, the fight has been worthwhile. Until now.
Today was the day I finally considered the price of being unique.
It can mean a life of loneliness. Being and feeling left out. It never pays to go against the grain, no matter how righteous my cause my be, no matter how much I think I wanna change the world.
Being a smart kid, my adult life is truly beginning to mirror my time at primary school. Feeling so isolated an unable to connect with anyone because I was so different. Yet now at 22, my unique personality is reviled as much as it is supported by the people around me.
So it poses the question. Dare I trade in all that I have built in order to conform? Will simply being one of the collective ultimately make me happier? Am I destined to forever be the dude in the funny t-shirts and the stupid hair? Trapped in this awkward phase between boy and man until I die!?!
It's individuality versus conformity.
I'm still not sure. And I'm terrified that there's no payoff at the end. Granted, being the person I am is reward enough.
But it would be so much easier to lay down my arms, laugh at a Chris Rock movie and finally, truly fit in. That would be so nice.
the end.

7 Comments:

Blogger Mel said...

Babe, you know to each of us seemingly status quo milling around, you seem like one as well - everyone thinks the other person fits in in a better way than they do - each of us feel individual as a fingerprint, we are the only ones who seem know our own little peccadillos that make us unique.
This post struck a cord for me because I'm at a place in my life right now where I am (unwillingly at times) confronted with the 'effects of childhood' as I call it - for me and for the important people in my life - I see the people we are now, and it forces me to confront what happened in our childhood to make us who we are - I know I am in danger of being 'tangent-girl' but my point, and I do have one, is that we all feel like this - questioning our individuality and questioning the status quo - I wanted to tell you - you're perfect the way you are - No changes necessary, because you're quite the human as you are.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Thank you tangent girl!

I always appreciate your thoughts, and the way you have your long, american accented rants. They make me smile.

It's reassuiring to see that I'm not the only one who sees the problems of youth suddenly crystalised in adulthood.

Oh yeah and thanks for liking my stupid hair :-)

5:28 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Thank you tangent girl!

I always appreciate your thoughts, and the way you have your long, american accented rants. They make me smile.

It's reassuiring to see that I'm not the only one who sees the problems of youth suddenly crystalised in adulthood.

Oh yeah and thanks for liking my stupid hair :-)

5:28 PM  
Blogger Denny said...

Mel of course hits the nail pretty well right on the head, even if there's an apparent tangent tossed in. (Me's tangents have a tendency to be curiously apt though.)
I have to agree with her, don't change - or don't attempt to conciously change - we do like you the way you are, and like the way you're growing. That may be my point, even if I've only just realised it. You're growing, you can't help it, and questioning how and where you're growing is a good thing. I like how you see the various roads you might follow, and how you have the smarts to look at them carefully, and above all how you recognise how confusing it all gets. Just go with it, don't lose sight of where your heart wants to take you, and while there may be times you need to tuck it away to "fit in" when you feel you must, don't ever lose sight of what you know is the real you.
BTW - we still have to get drunk together sometime.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Denny, thankks for those kind words.

In many ways, kind of exactly what I needed to hear right now.
Guess I'll just continue to walk that tighrope.

And St Patrick's day is merely a week away. Here's your chance to see me absoluteley paraletic.

5:54 PM  
Blogger bluemorning said...

slim
dont conform.
what you are and have been since your childhood is what you were destined to be.

bluemorningbluemorning

11:18 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

A simple message from a mysterious individual.

Thanks Bluemorning, much appreciated.

Whoever you may be.

8:50 AM  

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