Thursday, May 18, 2006

May 18th marks the beginning of the Mongolian School Holidays

Today's blog title comes from a term I frequently use after hearing a beloved work colleague (who shall remain nameless) threaten to fuck someone in the eye. Apparently a Full Metal Jacket reference.
"I'm gonna skull fuck you if you're not careful!!"
he raved while shaking his fists in the air with caffeine fuelled rage.

I have since started using the term to describe a difficult situation, or in today's case, just a busy day at the office.

So I'm back at work after being away for six days and the sensation is always the same. I always seem to think that if people don’t see me for a few days, they automatically assume that I have resigned or been killed in a random hovercraft accident (one of my worst fears).

I always feel like I need to re-acquaint myself with my workspace and the people in it because they have forgotten about me. Observe a conversation I had today with a random acquaintance at the workplace:

"Aren't you that guy??"

they ask as they rub their chins trying to remember my name or one of my many quirky attributes.
"You're that guy who eats all that mustard, right?"

I dig my nails into my jeans.

"It's Ketchup!! Jim eats Ketchup!!!"
I fume indignantly as I storm off into the elevators to hide, arms flailing with adolescent anger.
It's this in-built fear that I have that If I don’t lift my game, or am not constantly around, I will be 'recast'. Like some awful soap opera where an actor leaves because of a pay dispute and they simply recast him with a younger, sexier version of himself.
Remember Beau Brady in Days of Our Lives? (Don't judge me, I was a bored teenager and used to skip school to go home and watch it).
Which brings me to my next point about being away for a few days. Tremendous things happen. And I miss them. Granted we are currently being Skull Fucked at work, but yesterday we were monumentally busier! I feel guilty for not having been there to bear the brunt of the workload with my fellow disgruntled colleagues.
And then there's Lollie and her bombshell - her engagement to her boyfriend.
Wow! That news hit me like a one ton truck full of chickens on the Eastern freeway. I'm ecstatically happy for the both of them, but this is just another reminder that most people around me are actively 'doing things' with their lives. I seem to be stick in a holding pattern at the moment. More on that later.
It just scares me cause I'm slowly ageing and I can feel life starting to pass me by. Those huge life decisions (kids, a nicer car, maybe a house and a well trained Dingo) are merely a few years away.
I got dealt the loser cards, but I'm fairly certain it's time I used my arrogance (and not-so-obvious greatness) to turn the tables.
But right now, I guess I'll play the stupid guy just a little longer.
the end.


Blogger Mel said...

I like it when you crack open your skull and show us your thoughts - And you know, if they ever decide to recast you a la Beau Brady, I will stop watching. For sure.
Sorry it's busy, but you undoubtedly heard all about the unpleasant 'bend over and take it' we experienced on wednesday -
Have my ketchup, and call everyone 'Assape' -

3:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Unfortunately you dont play the stupid guy very well young wipper snapper!

Your looks did not get you the role my fiend (oops typo hehe)! You could have a slap of the ugly stick and it would still be a tough job for anyone to recast you.

The chicken truck was empty... the battery hens were at work with us on wednesday! YOU MISSED NOTHING.

Take it from ol' grandpa here there are far worse things than getting old and grumpy, you could be Sheryl Crow (by the way, add her to the list).

11:13 PM  
Blogger izchan said...

I love your friends.
They are so articulate ... :P

I am a little afraid what will happend when you reach 101. Am I going to miss coming here just to get some sense of sanity? Am I going to wonder where is the "ketchup" guy doing this instance?

Yes. I would. For 2 seconds. But I would.

2:12 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Mel: I hear y'all bent over and took it pretty well (with a mittle help from Gatorade?) "Crack open my skull" Nice one :-)

Shane: Thanks for the validation. Really I can never get too much. I thought I played the stupid guy to perfection, dammit!!
Sheryl Crow. Check.

Iz: I too contemplate the day when this blog becomes part of cyber space history. When you spend that two seconds thinking bout what I'm doing, know that I'm probably in a dark street somewhere brooding and chain smoking contemplating the nature of my confusing existence.

11:25 AM  

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