Monday, June 12, 2006

096: FORCING THE END

I have been loud and pretentious,
I have been utterly threatened.

I've gotten candy for my self interest
A sexy treadmill capitalist.
- Alanis Morissette "One"

Revelations are funny things.

They come to you in the middle of the night. Like the final piece of the puzzle finally sliding into place forming a whole picture that you can stand back and see properly.
Well aware that the current phase of my life is fast coming to an end, my eyes have been opened to exactly what has been going wrong over the last couple of years. Why I've been so restless and unhappy. Why I've been having no fun. Probably why this very blog exists.

You see I've been selling out. Selling out pretty hard in fact, denying my true nature.

This truth landed in my lap with ferocity a couple of weeks ago, thanks to a conversation with Mr Anderson while stuck in my car for five hours in a Mitcham car park. You really helped me sort my shit out that night, so once again, I'm in debt to you (what else is new, huh?)

Flash back to two thousand and four. Many Jim-Historians recall this as one of the darkest years of my life. Death, debt, losing jobs, getting evicted amongst other modern day horrors. Now in retrospect - I remember it as the happiest time of my life.

Only because things were so bad, I was forced to simplify. Forced to focus on what and who mattered. As I have mentioned to many, I dyed my hair blue because I was so comfortable with myself. Not imprisoned in the buttoned down pseudo corporate purgatory that I currently find myself in.

I was happy then, focusing on the essentials. Sure my poverty and drug dependence was a factor, but I still think it was the only time in my life when I "got it right", when I was happy with life.

More than any other time, I played to my strengths. My energy and youth. My devil-may care attitude towards dental hygiene. The fun that I used to have doing the simplest things (red wine and connect four make a great Wednesday night activity).

Since those days came to an abrupt end, I have done nothing but further complicate my life with each new turn, and sell myself out, focusing on fulfilling everyone else's expectations and ignoring my own. I have lost touch with what I am, and am now almost a product of what everyone else expects of me.

So as I enter what will no doubt turn out to be the final few weeks of this job, I am renewed with a sense of hope.

A need to seek out that man I abandoned years ago. That man who was comfortable enough with himself to display his blue hair with arrogant defiance.
I'm so profoundly saddened at what ha been done to me, how much I have conformed. How much I have been missing out on for the sake of other people. It truly has proven to be quite a thankless role to take, and ultimately has not furthered me in any way.

I'm looking at some new jobs at the moment which will hopefully grant me some more of the bohemian freedom that will allow my true colours to shine through like they used to.

I'm starting off on a path with no bitterness. A path with honesty and no lies. I'm starting off on a path where I play to my strengths, instead of suppressing them all.
And maybe some blue hair.
the end

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Slim, It has not been a thankless role for many now thank you for being part of their life (amongst other things)and i am sure you are glad to have them in yours.

You see the positives from such a dark part of your life and so you will see the positives from the current life you live. Always there will be parts of an experience that if you could see them coming you would avoid them; but what lessons would be lost if you did avoid them?

The blue haired boy and the dark haired boy are one in the same, they have come together to be Slim. would dying the hair back to blue be a step forward or backward? Maybe its time to let the hair go natural and see how much things have changed :)

Hugs :)

7:33 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

What an awesome post.
Everything you recognised in yourself and then posted, took immense courage.
I wish you well on your journey.:)

10:57 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

The great thing is that you have realised what has happened - and that you need to find yourself again, well not really find yourself - you weren't/aren't lost, you're still the same person, perhaps more touched by some of the things you don't want touching you - the core of you is untouchable, you are such a strong spirit and you are one of the few people I think who exist inside more than outside - what i mean by that is that, I think you see yourself on the outside, going through the motions and living this life - and it's not indicative of you, the real you, on the inside. And your quest perhaps is to bring the outter more in line with the inner - As usual I wish you the very very very best, always. And I know you'll be back to you eventually -

5:54 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Shane: Most days it feels as if the last couple of years of effort have sadly gone to waste.

I try to take with me what I have learned over time, but unfortunately those lessons, however enlightening, dont pay the bills that continue to grow.

Steph: Thanks for recognising my bravery. It's been a struggle to avoid the misdirection of others and seek out my own path.

Mel: As usual, you're dead on the mark with me. My external and internal self are way out of sync and this is the root of the problem.

Thanks for your sage words :-)

1:36 PM  

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