Wednesday, June 14, 2006

097: THE PARAGON OF ANIMALS

I often daydream about being able to command the loyalty of animals.

It started recently when I read about these Swedish genetic engineers who created a 25 foot carnivorous Starfish that would rotate and sweep the ocean floor clean, consuming all the fish and other edible things around it.

The animal world is one that fascinates me. Sea creatures in particular. They live in another universe, deep dark and blue (sometimes black) breathing salty water like I breathe in the contaminated air from my cigarettes.

Ever since I was a kid, I have loved animals (despite a track record of animal cruelty that would make Ed Gein blush). Doctor Doolittle managed to talk with them somehow. I don’t ever believe he attended any sort of medical school, and don’t care to speculate on his motives for all that time spent with animals. My suspicion was further aroused a few years ago when said Doctor became Eddie Murphy.

That aside, a few days ago, I was attempting to telepathically communicate with my dog. He does not yet respond to verbal commands, and only ever pays attention to me when I threaten him with the hockey stick that Angry Nick gave me.

As I gazed into his pathetic hazel eyes, we shared a moment of synchronicity. A milleseond of understanding. Granted, only moments later he resumed his four hour yapping session, but I still got through.

I recalled my childhood dream of having en entire army of animals at my disposal. I would enslave them in my basement by means of electrocution.

There would be the super intelligent Baboon, who would sit in shackles, doing all my homework. At night he would work in the Asian sweatshop in my attic.

The overworked Pelican that would swim around all day and clean my pool.

And of course the Albino Howling Monkey that would remain at the front of my house and ward off any unwanted salesman or Jehovah's Witnesses with it's constant, ear piercing screaming.

There was also a drug addicted Sloth who would lie motionless on my rug each day, eating all my ketchup. Even as a small child I was wise enough to know that there would be no future for this mooching Sloth and eventually it would have to be put down by lethal injection.

This army of slaves would of course be spearheaded by a giant Squid, who would travel via a series of underground canals that my construction team would design. These water filled canals would be outfitted with electrodes to ensure obedience.

Motivated by fear of electric shock, my giant Squid would swim the canals of the city, doing my bidding. It would smite my enemies. Block up traffic. Bring home food for the other animals.

It would return to my house at night time with the Mars Bars, Comics and Action Figures that I wanted.

The moon would rise and they would all congregate in a specially build shed (except for the Baboon - he has to go to work).

Yeah, I was kind of a messed up kid...
the end

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whitney sent you a parcel didn't she????

11:05 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

I concur Shane...

11:08 PM  
Blogger Denny said...

And I'll second the motion.

8:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although; i wouldn't mind an army of killer dolphins lol

9:19 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Whitney owes me and my sister some money, so as you can imagine I'm quite irritated.

Killer dolphins sound great, although I feel they're far tastier as tuna :-)

11:49 AM  
Blogger Mua'dib said...

I always dreamed of being able to turn into whatever animal I liked, not bend them to my will . . . but my grasp on humanity was never that strong.

6:05 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

An army of animals wow!!!
Baboons are ugly!! but yet again u were a kid!!!


Id love to have an army of wolves and panthers more than baboons

they are dangeous and deadly but still cute!

P.s what with Whitney addicton
I feel u love the woman but its one of those things u deny you love

P.s.s That was A JOKE :p

12:27 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Mocushile: If you know of something funnier than whitney, I'd love to know about it!

7:06 PM  
Blogger izchan said...

ok. sick. but ok.

12:07 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

hmmm let me think
I SOMETHING FUNNY

ah!!! its still whitney

nope havent found anything funnier

10:08 PM  

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