Wednesday, June 21, 2006



















098: ROBOT MASTURBATION SESSION



In which our hero's privacy is invaded by a robotic peeping tom.
Come with me, if you will, on an odyssey into my room. Where action figures are at the top of the food chain and piles of dirty socks and jocks form gently sloping hills over my crumb encrusted floor.
It is here, my friends, that I retreat to ever night. Hoping to escape the hectic pace of my rampant social life and the drudgery of my mindless soul destroying job.

So imagine my surprise the other night, when I learned that my once impregnable room has fallen victim to a spy.
I speak of course, of Gort - mechanical man given to me as a heartfelt gift. Granted I adore having this vintage momento the The Day The Earth Stood Still standing proudly in my room, however this mechanoid has since illicited my suspicions.
On many a night I have observed him moving on his own accord. He frequently changes places in the room while I am at work, and his visor mysteriously opens when I have porn on the television.
Which brings me to my segue about an intriguing episode which took place a couple of nights ago. Lets set the scene...

It was cold outside, and I was tucked away in my warm toasty bed. The rustling leaves brushing against my window made a soothing noise. With my episode of Red Dwarf coming to an end soon, I decided to do what most teenage boys do when they're cosily tucked in their beds.

That's right - I went there.
Anyway, I was almost finished with my copy of Swinger when I made a startling revelation - Gort was watching me. Perched up on his shelf, he had a direct line of sight to where I was in my bed.
His visor was open, and I could see a voyeuristic gleam in his eye. Well…I spose he doesn’t have eyes, but he was leering at me like that naked guy at the bus stop does.
So here we are in a day and age where robots watch me masturbate (See how much I share with you?). Yet another episode in my life where I tell people and they respond with a quizzical look, usually followed by a swift
"What the fuck?"

Now this was the last thing I needed after suffering a splitting headache and a wave of euphoria after being haunted by the images from Muse's Supermassive Black Hole video.
It's also fuelled my mistrust of robots of all kinds.
When I was 18, the vending machine at my workplace launched a world wide manhunt for me in an attempt to steal my DNA. I was forced to go underground and wear a black turtleneck for several weeks.
So just remember - you read it here. It's forever etched in cyberspace. My robot remains unpunished, and from this day forward I'll just use the cubicles at work like everyone else.
the end
PS: Crack is Whack!

14 Comments:

Blogger Denny said...

Just when I thought I was starting to figure out how your mind works this comes along.
I officially give up, I will just take and enjoy you as you are, without any attempt to figure out why.

7:31 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Denny: It was all those various substances I abused as a teen, I'm sure of it :-)

7:57 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

Crack is whack - I love your pics of Before and After - and where's my email to remind me to bring JM moolah? HUH??

8:42 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

I got ur Ca$h baby, so we're one third of the way to being mrazzle dazzled by everyone's favourite guitar playing skinny guy.

On the Whitney front - look out for a special message from the fallen diva herself sometime soon!

6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Robots have needs too, Man. And, even if they are freaky dude-on-dude style needs, I think you should cut him some slack.

I suggest you purchase some kind of Voltron figurine and allow Gort the simple pleasure of watching, perhaps even participating in, some five-way robot lion action.

Think about it. It's the only decent thing to do. Also, it might stop him from touching you at night.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Surly boy: I'm on my way out to scour the city for a compatible robot companion for Gort.

It's gender is irrevelant, and I'm definetly considering the five way action. Not for the robot. But for myself!

12:47 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

lol! loved the being watched by the Robot bit and then I ask you this

dont all the toys in your room watch u do it heheh!!!

Im gonna sadly mention this but with all the toys in your room u just have no privacy
" i bet you .. you will collect every toy .. each time u want to do it"

a message for denny
well he is so easy to find out u just gonna have to sit down in the dark and think about him lol!!!
think not fantacise ok!!!

10:13 PM  
Blogger Denny said...

mocushile - thinking about the workings of Slim's mind is bad enough stone-cold sober in broad daylight! It would be just too scary in the dark.
I must admit I was wondering if the other toys avert their glance, or just pretend they're not looking . . .

11:16 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Guys, to address this issue - most of my toys are heterosexual and clearly have no interest in watching me spanking the monkey.

I think it would be wise to take surly boys suggestion and invest in another robotic playmate for him.

4:33 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

Denny trust me .. he isnt that scary!!!

or may be I am weird!! lol
and slim about your toys being hetero sexual how exactly did u make sure of that!!!

you never know what they have in mind some toys and even humans have weird fetishs lol ... and yes finding a play mate for your Robot is an absoloute option to stop him from snooping

other than that just warn him that the outcome of him looking at u wont be good at all

11:52 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Mocushile: The robot has stolen all my porn.

I know all my other toys are heterosexual because they sit and watch reruns of Home Improvement and MASH. A dead giveaway, right there!

5:15 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

Well he is a robot he cant afford to buy porn so basically to get his frustration out

he has to steal the porn and watch or just hump any other innocent toy near it

poor toys!!!!!
M*A*S*H!!! intresting toys you have here.. so they dont watch porn with you!!!

hmm they sound kinda old fashioned damn it!!!

11:18 PM  
Blogger izchan said...

dude ... you should keep the smoking down a peg for a while. The robots are nano sized now.

You don't want them IN your body as well. :(

4:32 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Iz: Everyone makes the assumption that I write these posts while under the influence of some mind bending drug.

When really I just perceive the boundaries of existence in a different way.

Also, Robots watch me masturbate in the dead of night.

6:53 PM  

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