Monday, June 26, 2006

099: TECHNO FEAR

Observe the following conversation I had with my washing machine the other day:

"Good morning washing machine! How's your shit?"

"Good bro, what up dawg?"

"Ah you know… I got a whole bunch of dirty clothes here that I've been sleeping on. They were getting kinda funky, so I thought I'd bring em in"

"Dude that last bunch of stuff you brought in was rank. Haven't you ever heard of Kleenex?"

"Don't judge me. You know how it is".

"Still, you could at least try and pick something white".

"Errr…could we not talk about this?"

"Sure, whatever man. If you're gonna be all Dawsons Creek about it. Just gimme your damn clothes, I'll sort em out".

"Thanks mate"

"You're going to die"

"What?!"

"Nothing. Nothing dude, sorry. Just talking to myself again. Don’t mind me".

"Nah, dude! You totally said something to me! Are you threatening me? Am I being threatened by a whitegood?!"

"No! No! It's all good"

"Right. Well maybe next time you decide to put the hard word on me, you'll remember who controls the electricity round here, eh?'"

"No worries boss. Will do..."

(I start to walk out the door)

"…Cause I live to wash up your coffee stains! And your dirty socks, and fuck knows what else you get on your clothes you filthy little scrote!"

"Oh! Oh! I so totally heard that!" You were whispering under your breath, but I fucken heard that!! You bastard!! You utter bastard!!"

"Well whaddaya expect, dumbass!? I'm stuck in this dead end job washing your sweaty gym jocks all day. Gotta have something to amuse me. Things just haven't been the same since Lois left me"

"Who's Lois?"

"My Wife".

"Dude, you have a wife?"

"Yeah. She filed for divorce three weeks ago. Rotten bitch has my kids, too".

"Che?"

"Yeah - their names are Napisan and wonder white"

"Ha ha. Everyone's a fucken comedian. If you're done being sarcastic, maybe you can get some fucken washing done?"

"Yeah, yeah no problems…"

(I start to head out the door again)

"Can I touch your hand?"

"Dude, are you coming onto me?"

the end.

13 Comments:

Blogger mocushile said...

hhahahahahahahha!!!
Napisan and wonderwhite hey!!! whata combo

and this good ol' machine of yours he is so desprate

Oh oH!!! Maybe u can hook him up with mr robot bet ya there will be lots of vibration happening here!! haha... I kindda had a similar situation with my cat
cause every time I open the back yard door she tries to sneak in specially at night and Iam like OHHHH NOO you dont .. and when she gets in she will be ohhh yes I will!! LOL!! we are a weird couple!

11:24 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

STEP AWAY FROM THE WHITEGOODS!!!

12:28 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

Your washing machine is a real smartarse! I think you should take him down a peg or two.
oh i know, how about getting jiggy with the clothes dryer?
That'll learn him.

12:29 PM  
Blogger izchan said...

that has got to be comedy gold.

GOLD!!!!!!

4:30 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Mocushile: Thanks for saying my washing machine has gotta be desperate for coming onto me. Totally boosts my self esteem when I know I'm not even good enough for a whitegood >:-(

Mel: I'm thinking I might need to take a step back from technology and all things robotic. It all seems to have an unnatural interest in me.

Steph: Your plan intrigues me. Make the washer jealous by getting it on with the dryer, eh?
I'll run this past my people.

Iz: If anything dude, I'm glad I can make you laugh. Cheers.

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im thinking your involved with some white goods alright... Awesome post dude!

8:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh - remember your words of wisdom - CRACK IS DEFINATELY WHACK

8:08 PM  
Blogger Denny said...

Slim, take Mel's advice, stay away from the white-goods. They never last as long as they're meant to and will always desert you in your hour of need. I think it's in their contract of sale. It's the road to frustration and heartbreak, bound to bring out your violent streak, and we don't want that.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Shane: Thanks mate. Government Health Warning - DONT TAKE CRACK!
I'm having a torrid affair with a juicemaker and his brother the blender.

Denny: Thanks for the words of wisdon there mate. Seems like you've had some experience in this area?? Either heartbreak? Or torrid affairs with household appliances??

Dish dish dish!!

12:57 PM  
Blogger Denny said...

A three-way with the kitchen gadgets huh.
That's bound to agitate the washing machine.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Right now, I'd settle for a two way...with...well...just about anything :-)

(Provided they are between 17 and 20 and have pasty, pasty skin)

6:41 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

lol.. I didnt mean it that way O'course you know how I think you are the sexiest unavaliable tool on the shelf lol

well not avaliable for me but thats for reasons!!!
but the washing machine is old and wrinkly you know!!! too old and hitting on a human!!!! so nasty!

10:50 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Mocushile: All that cold steel just doesnt do it for me.

I like my men nice, warm and pulsating


(with a pulse)

2:06 PM  

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