Sunday, July 02, 2006
















100: PSYCHO BITCH MAGNET

I'm gonna start this story by telling you all about my favourite Star Trek alien, the Gorn.
The Gorn is a large reptilian predator who once tried to kill Captain Kirk on planet Cestus III. He also has cropped up in the Mirror Universe where he tried to eat Scott Bakula.
But that's another story altogether.
You see, I have so much love for the Gorn (pictured), because I feel we're like blood brothers. If Gorns were real, I'd own one, chained up in my back yard and starved of food, just enough to keep him bloodthirsty enough to eat all my enemies at work.
Or better still he'd be my homie, and we'd ride around in my pimped up Mitsubishi, wearing an entire mint in bling, and telling everyone that crossed our bejewelled path that "they don't even know who they be steppin to!".
Back to the Gorn.
Yes. I love the Gorn because we're alike. The ferocious, bloodthirsty caveman is never far from the surface of my personality. I do what I feel like it - when I feel like it. And most times I like to be left alone, especially when I'm wearing that really 'intense face'.
So flash back a couple of nights with me. It's about 2:00am in the morning and I'm at the gym, punishing myself for half a packet of crispy M & Ms I had eaten earlier in the day.
I'm in the 'zone', meaning maximum pain and maximum endorphins. I'm like a wild man with weights as the sweat beads down my primitive brow.
It's during this time I notice a girl. Just an ordinary girl. I've seen many before. Except this one is on the Ab-tronic Pain-o-Tron, and she's doing it all wrong.
In my infinite wisdom, I decide to offer some frendly advice.
"It's a common misconception that crunches yeild better results. A complete sit-up will get your muscles moving more dynamically"
I said, reciting almost verbaitim what I had once read on the wrapper of my Protein Max bar...or what it Protein Blast? Either way - there was a considerable amount of protein involved.
"Thanks" she smiled back at me.
"Ah..." I thought.
I was stunned. Then relieved to think that I had helped someone and she had, quite wisely, chosen to take my advice.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
"My boyfriend's really handsome, you know he kinda reminds me of you, except he's better looking...Ugh!...So what kind of car do you drive? I drive a Ford. But I used to drive a Mazda, it was far too small. Not nearly enough room for my kids...Ugh!...yeah that's right - I have kids, a little girl named Skye...Ugh! You wouldnt think so huh, I mean to look at me...Ugh!...We're practically the same age!!"
This girl, whose name I have since forced myself to forget, continued to rant just about anything and everything as she stalked me around the gym, suddenly proclaiming we were now 'gym buddies'.
Now initially I felt some rapport with this girl, after all she was at the gym on a Friday night, so she probably had the same sort of social life I did. But as she ranted, unabated by the lack of oxygen to her brain, I began to regret playing the part of handsome, helpful stranger.
She would punctuate each thought with an exhasperated "Ugh!" and a flourish of her hand (with flourescent pink nailpolish) babbling at breakneck speed. It was like being stuck in an elevator with Kathy Griffin.
"My dog's anme is Callie, she's a German Shepherd...Ugh!...The're such beautiful dogs, I always try to..."
So yet again God has decided to smite me for being helpful.
"...a leave in conditioner is just essential, especially for coloured hair...Ugh!..."
God has decided to send an annoying, avenging angel in retaliation for helping a stranger work out her abs.
"...so I said 'Dylan, if you dont put that down, I'm gonna give you such a beating when we get home!!' and just like that he put down the knife...Ugh!...Kids just need to be disciplined more, dont you think?"
I should have just thought of the Gorn, predatory and stoic. And above all else, silent.
"...so my friends ditched me tonight...Ugh!...such bitches!....Ugh!...so where do you like to hang out? You know you really should get out more. Go out and have fun. Meet someone pretty like me...Ugh! Of course I'm taken, but I'm very flattered that you're interested..."
Right. I think I need a new Gym.
the end.

13 Comments:

Blogger Prophet said...

This site is truly suffocating in its hatred and frustration. You need some SPORK. Visit our website.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Prophet: I'm releived that you've made this flash judgement about me after reading through my site.

I of course, have taken the time to have a look at your website.

When you are able to inject even the slightest spark of wit into your blog, please let me know.

Maybe then it will be worthy of my attention.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

Dude, highly entertaining, You are a saint to put up with that - I would have gone all Whitney on her ass and slapped that cracker down, yo! :)
But hil-ARIOUS!

10:17 PM  
Blogger Denny said...

Don't get a new gym - just take the Robot along one night, set 'em up. (Wouldn't suggest is as a solution to the white-goods problem though)

10:21 AM  
Blogger Slim said...

Mel: I did indeed contemplate disfiguring this girl by smashing her head in with a 10kg dumbell, however my efforts were thwarted by my conscience.

Denny: I could totally see my robot hooking up with the stairmaster or something.

I've made him a small enclosure for him to retire to when I need my private time.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Denny said...

Who knows, he may appreciate the privacy. I'm sure he has his own robot business to attend to

2:54 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Obviously, you've never heard a robot orgasm before then.

Sounds like a track from Kraftwerk.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Obviously, you've never heard a robot orgasm before then.

Sounds like a track from Kraftwerk.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Denny said...

Having never managed to spend much quality time with a robot, I can't say i have heard one achieve orgasm.

7:07 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

LOL!!! Hilarious!!! sounds like u had fun! NOT!!!!!!!!

robot Orgasm!!! hmm thats something to think about "blushes"

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ugh... lol thats the best part of the entry hahahaha great entry... if she is there next time - take the stuffing out the punchin' bag and put her in!

11:12 PM  
Blogger Slim said...

Denny: When I was a kid I had a robot called Percival as a best friend, so I've pretty much heard him do everything!

Mocushile: Trust you to be blushing, even at the mere thought of a Robot Orgasm.

I totally should have called this post 'Robot Orgasm', but it occurs to me that did not actually happen at the gym, and is merely a cool title.

Shane: Not discounting your suggestion and it's obvious excellence, but I was really going after something that would shut the bitch up...oh I dunno...like breaking her jaw?

12:52 PM  
Blogger mocushile said...

lol you got that right I will be blushing =P

5:30 PM  

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